Flaming Lesbians!*

I’ve searched high and low – my degree of lowness is available for rent for wedding receptions, Bar Mitzvahs , college dorm rooms, welding classes and various and sundry gatherings by people only slightly lower than myself, although I know that’s difficult to believe . . . but I digress, which is a wonderful way to get out of discussing the main topic while I research “Flaming Lesbians” at various porn important web sites – for the history of the term, “Flaming Lesbians, with not much luck. I even tried looking up Flaming Lesbians at well known food web sites, thinking I may find a recipe for them there. It wasn’t and I didn’t, and I was so hoping I could find one with curry and spam. So, I’ll have to make stuff up, which I can do with some authority, as I’ve been doing it all my life quite effectively.

Now I know you lurkers out there, and I know you’re there, probably expect something on the sexual side of life because of the title, “Flaming Lesbians”, but I’m here to tell you that sex is something that should be reserved for real porn sites, and not the bedroom or living room or on top of the dryer while it’s running because that girl I met the other night liked it so much. She was not a Flaming Lesbian, but when I asked her to get my clothes out and fold them afterward, she called me a flaming idiot and left. But that’s okay, as being chauffeured around in a 1964 Pinto is not my idea of a good time. Why? Flaming gas tanks, people. Duh!

So anyway, back to the term, “Flaming Lesbians”, which is not to be confused with the movie, “Flaming Star” staring Elvis, which was not about Flaming Lesbians, but about something to do with Indians and cowboys singing around the old campfire and exchanging scalps hair treatments. But I digress again, which, if you haven’t figured out yet, I’m pretty damn good at.

Now it is my basic understanding not all lesbians are indeed flaming. Some have never flamed in their lives, but those that do are a force to be reckoned with, as flaming can cause serious burns, should one decide to get in a Flaming Lesbians’ way. I do have it on good authority, though, if two Flaming Lesbians were to occupy the same space, the heat given off would be enough to vaporize every gallon of oil now floating in the Gulf of Mexico, with a slim chance it might even cap the well, not that I’m suggesting we try it, other than as a method of last resort.

I know the burning question on everybodies mind is: “What do I do if I meet a Flaming Lesbian?” Well, that depends on where you meet her. If it’s in a grocery store, you might ask her to heat up a frozen TV dinner, so you can eat it right there and not pay for it. Maybe even share it with her. You know, BAM . . . make some friends, as some famous chef says all the time.  Should you meet one in a theater, well, again,  it depends on what kind of theater. If it’s a dance theater, hell, ask her to turn off the flames and offer to foxtrot with her. It’s my understanding Flaming Lesbians are always awesome dancers sometimes. If a singing type theater, join in on the last chorus of “These Boots are Made for Walking”, by some chick who’s related to somebody, with her. If she doesn’t smoke you out of existence after that for singing the worst song in history, you’ve probably made a new friend, and that’s a wonderful thing, don’t you think? If you meet her in a restaurant, ask her if you can have that left over meatball. That always sometimes works as an excellent conversation starter. I’ve used it on many occasions, although it didn’t work at that Mexican restaurant I ate at last week. In fact the place burned down, not that I’m blaming a Flaming Lesbian in any way whatsoever, or that box of sparklers I some dude accidentally dropped a lit match into.

The other burning question rolling through the minds of lurkers everywhere is: “How do I change a Flaming Lesbian.” It really depends on what she’s wearing. If she’s wearing that beautiful black outfit, with the rhinestone glittery thing dangling from one ear, nothing needs to be changed, because she’s perfect.  But if she’s wearing that purple outfit with the cheap plastic thingy dangling, then very carefully escort her to the nearest Target, or maybe a Dollar General, if you have one close by, and convince her to buy that orange and blue cheap metal thingy instead. She’ll look so much better, and metal has a higher melting point than plastic. So it’ll be a win/win thing, and, again, you’ll probably make a new friend.

I am fully cognizant of the fact there are people out there who have an aversion to Flaming Lesbians, but your fear is totally ungrounded, which I would suggest you do, ground yourself that is, because ungrounded people can spark, thus exacerbating the fact ungrounded people may set on fire any flammable materials that may be stored in the area. Safety first, people, safety first.  But I am still here still to tell you that fearing Flaming Lesbians is totally without merit. Okay, I will admit sometimes a fire-retardant suit may be necessary, but for the most part, just wetting a towel and placing it over your head usually stops your hair from catching fire when you shake hands with them. And really, folks, who’s more dangerous, Flaming Lesbians or Chuck Norris? Shaking hands with a Flaming lesbian might get you a wittle burny on your wittle hand. Shaking hands with Chuck might mean your whole hand might get ripped off, as well as your arms and legs. It’s a no brainer, folks.

So, now that you have been thoroughly educated on, “Flaming Lesbian”, you can go out in the world and meet these wonderful people, expand your horizons, make new friends, and enjoy a whole new side of life. Just don’t let them fill your gas tank.

* Dedicated to an awesome friend who makes the best tater salad in the world.